Failing in order to Succeed

When I started a blog, I was terrified. I’ve had this idea on my mind for years. It comes and goes, but I hadn’t really had the time until now. I am not sure which terrified me more, the idea of failure, or the idea of success. It’s easy enough for me to write cute little tutorials or stories about learning to be a mom, or how I clean my house. But there’s more to blogging than that, isn’t there.
Many, many years ago I had a blog. This was back in the day, where it wasn’t a business, and there were no pictures. It was raw, unedited, emotion. It was your diary online. Like everything else, it seems that blogs have become sugar coated. It’s easy now to hide behind your foil panel and perfect natural light, and make all your images look so perfect. That’s what draws people’s attention, a pretty picture. It’s easy to hide behind your cute tutorials, and make it look like you’ve got it all together. I was reading yesterday in “Knowing the Heart of God” by John Eldredge how the Pharisees had it all together, they were so “righteous,” but the kingdom of heaven belongs to the humble. Not to those who have it all together. To the meek of heart. It made me think. Honestly, it hit home kind of hard. There’s a song by Casting Crowns about how we all go about our “Stained Glass Masquerade.” We pretend that we’ve got it all together. I don’t have it all together. But I sure don’t want to let that show. If you were to ask me, I’d laugh, giving what I think is a humble show, and tell you I don’t have it all together. I’d walk away feeling pretty proud that you think I did, though. It’d probably inspire me to write about how to clean something, so other people can “get it together.”
I don’t want to be a Pharisee. I want to be the humble in heart. I want to be real. I haven’t got it all together. I’m a mess, just as much as you are. We all are. Isn’t that the point of grace, the point of salvation? Some might have a mental checklist going, “Does a daily devotional, check. Talks about grace and salvation, check.” Don’t compare yourself to me. It’s easy to get carried away like that. You don’t see the behind the scenes. You don’t see that this is the first time in years where I have done that, or that I’ll inevitably find myself playing catchup. That I had to buy a “daily devotional” by one of my favorite authors to help get my lazy butt in gear so I’ll actually be consistent. That I’ve asked God to give me a new concept of spending time with him, because my old one doesn’t work.
I’m not sure why the blog came to mind as I was reading yesterday, almost in the afternoon, being honest. No, I don’t get up at 5 am to do it. There’s another failure, right? Aren’t we supposed to do this “first thing?”
I guess the deal is this. I can write. I know I can write. I know I’m good at it. My spelling and punctuation need a little tlc usually, but my content and ideas can catch people’s attention. I can put out a pretty, fake little surface thing about how I’m learning to be mommy and clean the house. I can sugar coat everything, I can be safe. I can leave my heart out, and have it “all together.” I can be a Pharisee. But that isn’t what I’m supposed to do. I’m afraid of failure, of never being good enough. And generally afraid of people finding that out, and seeing into the real me. But if I’m going to do this, that’s exactly what I have to do. I have to fail in order to succeed. I have to put my heart into it. To be real, and humble. I’m not sure what that looks like, but I guess we will find out.